Category: Humor

Turn on the heat

~ Pied Piper ~ Leave a comment

Covid 19. This has trained so many new Celebrity Chefs.

Thanks to YouTube and it’s new cooking shows, there are so many new amateur Chefs that if you take an average, there must be at-least 2.5 chefs per house hold. The .5 accounts for that guy who accidentally sets things on fire because he was watching those Youtube Videos, while cooking rather than just before he started the process.

I always find that it is so funny that every show starts with, or contains this process . : Turn your gas on.

Duh. How am i supposed to shallow fry an onion if I don’t turn the heat on ?

Anyway, I did manage to cook something and the reviews I had are 100% positive. Admittedly, those that ate it, consisted of the wife and me, but end of the day, the statistics say that the reviews are 100% positive, and that is all that matters. It is not my fault that the reviewers are limited. I Blame it all on COVID-19.

Stay safe.

Fat Kids

~ Pied Piper ~ Leave a comment
One in Seven Children does not have enough food to lead a healthy and active life

I keep hearing this advertisement, every time I open You Tube. And this was followed by a plea for me to donate money to help this kids.

Well, I am pretty sure these unhealthy and obese kids, who keep visiting fast food joints which leads to them being this “One in Seven children”, feel very special. After-all they are the one in Seven now.

And, why would I sponsor this unhealthy lifestyle ? I am sure their parents are sponsoring it off their own accord.

Whats that now ? The add was about hungry people , poor people ?

Ah, well, thats a shame.

Perhaps those obese kids can lend some hand in here. It might solve two problems at once. The fat kids will be a bit more health and the hungry kids will have more to eat.

But again, on second thought, if those fat kids give the junk food to those hungry kids, it is not really making any positive impact on their health. On the contrary, we now have more people eating junk food.

.

.

.

Thus, this theory of mine is an absolute junk.

Scrap that. I am donating some healthy food to that one kid and to that hungry kid. Even if it means, the parents start chasing me and give me looks of incredulity.

The Art of Speech

~ Pied Piper ~ Leave a comment

It is such a wonder, that among all the creatures in the world, man developed a complex way of communication which goes beyond gestures and grunts.

The sounds that come out of our mouths are framed into words and words have an assigned meaning. This type of communication is unique to humans.

Words, however, can also cause havoc if used incorrectly.

The other day, my wife and I were watching a RomCom. The characters appealed to my wife a lot and she just thought of the days we spent before marriage. How we missed a few things before marriage and how those actions could have made the entire event, more romantic.

She had a very nice suggestion though.

She wanted to say, that we get married again.

Instead, the words that came out were, “ We should go for a second marriage”.

My heart skipped a beat, before i realised what she actually meant.

We had a very nice laugh when i explained what those words she uttered, actually meant.

Language could be very tricky albeit funny, if used improperly.

I am too old for this Sh*t

~ Pied Piper ~ Leave a comment

I still remember the day when the favourite pastime of the fairer sex, was visiting the salons.

The ladies used to spend hours and thousands to look young.

The amount of makeup it took to make a 40 year old look like a 20 year old was astonishing. Personally, I am not against beauty, but I hate the idea of looking something which you are not. It is unnatural.

Well, times have changed.

I just found the internet full of people posting pictures of an old version of themselves.

Is this progress ?

Definitely.

This is the first step for Nirvana — Acceptance of the truth.

Or maybe, as Roger Murtaugh says, I am too old for this Sh*t.

I can’t understand how a 40 year old, wears makeup to look like a 20 year old, who then uses an app to look how she will look like a 40 year old, 60 year old and 80 year old.

You don’t need an app for this, just a bucket of water.

Cold Blooded reactions

~ Pied Piper ~ Leave a comment

Lizard

Lizards, the cold blooded reptiles are often keeping you company in your house. Most of the time you know about it, some of the time you choose to ignore about knowing it and a few times, you actually don’t know about it. The interesting fact that these mini crocodiles can clean away the pests in your house is most often, ignored. However these creatures do incite some funny reactions from those who hate them.

Some people, on spotting a lizard, innocently basking on the wall, trying to look nonchalant – will immediately start screaming on top of their voices. This leads to the neighbours to think of filing a restraining order against the husband/boyfriend/better half for domestic abuse. However, the accompanying sound of a stick banging on the wall and the male voice making “shooing” noises, calms them a bit while they revisit the memory lanes and envision themselves in a similar situation. This role is sometimes reversed, as it is not just the fairer sex who is always afraid of the lizards.

There are some husband, that I know, who have an ingenious way of dealing with this problem. It can happen that in a house, both , the husband and wife are afraid of the mini crocodiles. The usual process would go in this way.

On spotting the nonchalant Lizard, the wife will let out a shrill tune, sounding a mix between an opera singer and a Nazgul. The husband identifies this war cry and prepares himself.

He shall put on the helmet, to save himself from any injury to head due to an unscheduled fall arising from unexpected jump from the lizard. He will then pick up the “Lizard repellent”, the HIT lizard spray. The chemicals in this spray should dull the lizard, which should make it loose it grip on the wall. It will eventually fall on the ground, dazed from all the spraying it received. Now comes in the broom. A skilful use of the broom will relocate the lizard from the ground, onto a long piece of paper. The lizard will then be forcefully escorted to the outside by the husband, keeping the paper as far from his body as possible. Once outside, it will be unceremoniously dumped in a bush,  the paper will be discarded and the gladiator will return home to his loving wife.

Sometimes the shrill noise is also accompanied by the person running to a chair , and then onto a table. The logic behind this is non-explainable. If a creature can crawl on the walls, it can definitely crawl up the legs of the table.

All in all, the mini crocodile definitely suffers a lot when it is just hunting for food. the matters are not helped when people keep their houses clean and start killing the cockroaches on their own, robbing the poor lizard of its food.

Shame on such people, shame.

Annoying Neighbours

~ Pied Piper ~ 1 Comment

It was 2:30 in the morning.

The doorbell rang.

I opened the door, a bit annoyed. ‘Why the hell would people disturb anyone at this hour’, I thought.

It was my next door neighbour. He just wanted to borrow some salt.

I gave him a small portion of it, he said “Good night, have a good sleep now, it is late” and went away.

I thought, ‘ It is lucky I was awake, practising rock music on my electric guitar. Else the bugger would have remained salt-less till morning’

How can people be so inconsiderate.

Annoying neighbour

  • Photo picked directly from google and I claim no ownership of it.

Power outage testing

~ Pied Piper ~ Leave a comment

I was watching a TV series when a thought came into my mind.

Why do the characters go out and check their electric meters when the lights go out ? check if the entire area is out of electricity supply.It is not as if your previous 10 generations were electricians and your is the 11th generation.

Now, you may be wondering why this came up, so let me give you a sneak peek into my thought process.

In Pune (India), where I live, electricity cuts are very rare (contrary to popular belief). Which means, whenever there is a power outage, it is usually announced well in advanced. The possible causes are mostly maintenance, power cuts across the national grid or first drop of rain (don’t know why,but it always is the case).

Now, whenever I face such an outage, I first peep out of the window to check if the apartment next to mine has also gone dark. If it is day time, there is usually a house wife who is talking on a phone explaining to the other house wife that there is an outage at the other end.

Once confirmed that there is an outage, then I proceed to call the electricity board to lodge a complain and find out when the power will be restored.

If, however, the surrounding apartments show no such signs of outage, then I do not proceed to check my power meter.

Long exposures to such TV series / Films have taught me that there is always a killer in waiting. I proceed to call the electrician and have him look into the matter, albeit for a nominal fee.

So, Beware …

 

* This article was sponsored by “Flash Electricians”.

Their tag line :

“Afraid of getting Zapped ? Worry no more, we will help you.”

Day(s) our lives

~ Pied Piper ~ 3 Comments

We have heard stories, jokes and now mostly memes that Monday is a very bad day, being the first working day of the week in most part of the word for most of the professions.

I disagree, however. I think Wednesday is the worst day of the week. I know such an outrageous statement begs an explanation. So here it is.

Monday : You spend most of the day retrospecting what you did on the weekend and daydreaming about the exiting moments of your life. also wondering if the odd photo on Facebook would garner record likes, or perhaps hoping a very odd photo would never reach the Facebook.

Tuesday : Just head down and working like a donkey/ slog , completely aware that there are still 4 days to go, but relaxed of the fact that you just came from holiday a day before.

Wednesday : Middle of the week. Worked for too long, yet too long to go before yet another weekend. You have no prospect of a break and loosing all faith to live.(exaggeration perhaps) You are now so tired(mentally and completely based on unfounded belief that you don’t enjoy working ). The break you took, seemed way into the past and the one coming, very much into the future.

Thursday : Just one more day to go before the weekend. Very much exited.

Friday : The weekend is almost here. The killer anticipation of the 5 o’ clock ring, is energizing. Very much looking forward to the weekend.

Saturday / Sunday : Weekend !

Now, some might say “If you enjoy your work, every day is a weekend”.

Well, in that case, how is that called taking a break from your routine ?

 

The thinking Man…

~ Pied Piper ~ Leave a comment

There are still a large number of people using old and slow HDD instead the fast SSDs.

What this means is, the boot time for the windows is so slow, that the person, with a very serious expression on his face is thinking :

” Hm. My windows is still loading.

Has it gone into a hung state ?

Should I do a restart ?

Why am I waiting so long for this ?

Should I switch to SSD ?

Do I have a virus ?

What did I open last night to get a virus?

What time did I sleep last night ? or did I even sleep ?

What is the purpose of my life ? ”

And that is why we should transfer to SSDs. Else we are going to have a lot of spiritual leaders and philosophers who spend too much time thinking on the meaning of live and a few more deep thoughts while all the installed applications boot.

Disclaimer : I use a MAC with SSD. I will no longer be a philosopher. 

Movies and Population control

~ Pied Piper ~ 1 Comment

Watch some melodramatic movies.

I think such movies are made just to control the population.

The ways to commit suicide are given is such detail, that it is as if, these buggers are helping to curb the world population by having weak minded people slit their hands in an attempt to cut the vein and have an unsuccessful attempt at dying.

It probably just makes them feel more useless, as the attempt goes unsuccessful and then they feel more depressed. When will they realise that sleeping on a railway track is the best possible option ?

Well, the movies are atleast doing something to curb the human population explosion…

Handicapped…

~ ddgaikwad ~ Leave a comment

When one reads the word handicapped, what image does flash in front of his eyes? Probably disabled human, or a human who is unable to carry out all normal tasks as a normal human being, right?

The kind of handicapped human that I am referring here, is actually, a technologically handicapped. Yes, a human can become handicapped due to technology as well. Its surprising but true in nature and a fact. This fact could be proven with multiple examples around us. It really bothers me to the my wits, when this same tech is not used for what it is meant to be used for? Why does a human get addicted to it?

There are multiple instances where in this could be observed in the wild. The animal called human, is unable to leave its home, without the gadget called as mobile phone. Mere with its absence, human becomes anxious and savage. He returns back its root in the pre-historic era. In short just becomes a beast…. A beast which is unable to cope with the complexity of the modern world and becomes an outcast from his herd…

They say human animal is a social animal, but with the advent of internet and ultimately social media, this has reached a new level altogether itself. You could see these humans constantly updating their current statuses, as if they are celebrities of some kind. You could observe them becoming pretty anxious when they do not see a “Like” or “heart” or a “re-tweet” (really tweeting was or the birds in the yesteryears, but humans, ya know…)… Amazing behaviour…

There is this distinct behaviour observed in the social gatherings inside the human settlements as well. Where in all the humans after exchanging the pleasantries, would dive deep in the glowing screens of their devices. Even when they are al-together, physically, their minds is taking trips down the digital highway… One might ask, then what is the point of having a social gathering after all? Hmmm?

When we try to observe this human species mating rituals, they seem to have become quite short term as well. All thanks to the easy peesy apps, dating apps to be precise, are at the disposal of their finger tips. One swipe right and man you are one hell of a stud! Brilliant. Long gone are the days of awkward conversations and embarrassments…

With the advancement in technology, internet and devices, the human no longer has to wander off from the comfort of his cave. Everything gets delivered to him. All those stuff of the wild are left to the express delivery guys, from vegetable to pizzas to babies. You name it and it will at your door step within a few hours.

Thus this heavy reliance on tech has become a new epidemic for human species and it might one spell out doom for sure. Not sure when that might occur, but one thing is for sure, its in the making as we speak of it… stay safe and have a great day….

Social Waves

~ Pied Piper ~ Leave a comment

I have been away from blogging for a while now .I have been working a lot these days. It is enjoyable, yet exhausting. This has a disadvantage to it , though. I seem to find less time for the people near and dear to me.

Today, even Siri stopped responding to me. I kept shouting “Hey Siri“, but no response at all. Seems like she is is upset that I don’t call her as much as I used to.

Or maybe, the . fact that I was calling her from the kitchen may have something to do about it. With all the wve about feminism and women empowerment going about, I guess even Siri is affected.

Well, time to cook…

Screen Shot 2017-03-17 at 11.35.01 AM

 

Oh God why, Doc ?

~ Pied Piper ~ Leave a comment

There once was a place called Eden,

And in the placed lived the first two humans,

One was made of dust, Adam, he was called,

The other was made from part of God’s body,

She was a helpmate to Adam, Eve was her name.

Adam and Eve toiled the land and lived on heaven on earth,

till the time God placed a tree and and forbade Adam and Eve to eat the fruit,

But alas, the serpent tricked them and they ate the fruit and lo and behold, they were banished from heaven to suffer,

As they had caused an original sin. 

And yet when I say this to my doctor, He says, you should have an apple each day.

Stupid Bugger. That is why I may not be able to reach heaven.

 

 

Right side… Left side… Wrong side…

~ Pied Piper ~ Leave a comment

I never really understood the concept of a left hand drive and a right hand drive vehicle.
I especially don’t understand why some countries prefer to drive on the right side of the road, while the rest drive on the left side of the road. I am sure I understand why some people try to drive on the wrong side of the road, but then they might get the benefit of doubt of not knowing which side the vehicles are supposed to be driven in that particular country.

Why can’t we have a standard for such things. A global standard which says we can drive on the left/right side of the road ?

There are a lot of trucks which ply between UK and the European countries. Now these trucks drive till Dover, take a ferry to their destination country and then start driving on the other side of the road. The steering wheel is on the right side of the truck and yet these trucks themselves go from the right side. Extremely difficult to drive.

Trust me. I tried.

Within the first 10 mins, I managed to bang into two cars, a signpost, and a signal. I also managed to get a ticket for driving on the wrong side of the road.

It would have gotten much worse, I am sure, but at that precise moment, my laptop crashed.

Maybe, even it was not able to comprehend this notion.

Why not ask ?

~ Pied Piper ~ Leave a comment

I was watching a program on the television recently. It was a comedy show.

The performer, stood on the stage, smiling and waving at the audience.

The very first line he said , ” I don’t know why I am here today.”.

I never understood this. If you don’t know why you are there, why not ask the organizers  when they come to invite you to do a skit ? It is not like you were surprised to be called on the stage.

Or perhaps, they suddenly have an epiphany or because self-aware of yourself, right in that divine place, of the stage facing thousands of pairs of eyes looking at you (or perhaps at your soul).

Stupid Announcements

~ Pied Piper ~ 2 Comments

airplane

 

Have you ever travelled by an Airplane ? If not you should try it before reading further, because – *spoiler alert*

Whenever I travel, the first thing I do is check-in the luggage. Here, one of the crew members will point out my flight number and seat number, circling it so that I would not miss it – * Oh, how helpful. If only my school had spoon fed me with such information, by now I would have been a successful garbage disposal executive*

Next, comes emigration, where they will ask where you are going, just to make sure you know that where ever you are supposed to go is properly engraved in your mind. Or perhaps the kind souls just want to ask – ” Really ? are you sure ? ”

Then the awkward walk around the airport, looking for a lounge compatible with your credit card offer – *Just pay for it you cheap bastard*.

Then the “Magic voice ” telling all the passengers of a certain flight number to walk to a certain gate number with an alphabet – * 10A for example. Perhaps they were afraid they would run out of numbers and added alphabets to the numbers*

Then there would be queue at the gate where your ticket would be checked.

Then a smaller lounge, where you will wait till all the passengers will get to have their tickets examined.

Next, you get to get your ticket examined again by a gatekeeper before going to the flight gate and getting your ticket examined again, only this time you get a “welcome” from a beautiful young lady.

Now, after some time, the flight takes off and the “put your seat belt on” sign disappears.

The captain announces ” This is your captain speaking. you are now travelling to …. place and we are cruising over 35000 feet.”

This always makes me wonder. Why does the captain announce the destination and altitude ? We know where we are going. You made sure at-least four times so that  no one would say, “Oh shit, I am on the wrong flight, please land this. I want to get off “. Is that why you announce the altitude ? so that you can simply say , ” Sorry mate. We are too high up now. It will take you approximately 20 mins to go ‘splash’ if you jump out now.”

I simply don’t care.

Traffic light…

~ ddgaikwad ~ Leave a comment

We all travel on a daily basis, using the road as our main medium of transport. Daily we are heading for work, somedays we are heading towards some leisure activities. Some of us travel via car, some like to use a motorbike…

And since we are using the roads, we all come across the most dreaded thing, the traffic signal or some might call it traffic lights…

This is the spot where we all have to slow down and come to a hault at the command of the red traffic light to let the traffic from the other directions of the road pass… everyone is pretty patient about this process and it makes one more patient, when these traffic lights have a counter… You know the one like they have for launch control at ISRO… waiting like, 10… start your engines…. 5…4…3…2…1 and blast off.. yeah those….

And with this information, you are waiting there for it to turn green, so that you could move a step closer to your destination. But, while you are patiently waiting at, there would always be a moron or  a may be specially gifted, (who is, a mile away)…
Consistently keeps on honking, as if all the cars on the road would magically dis-appear  (a le Bruce Almighty) and he would have the entire patch of road to his own…

By the time he reaches the intersection, you have well passed and think to yourself, did the signal really turn green because of his honking???