Turn on the heat

Covid 19. This has trained so many new Celebrity Chefs.

Thanks to YouTube and it’s new cooking shows, there are so many new amateur Chefs that if you take an average, there must be at-least 2.5 chefs per house hold. The .5 accounts for that guy who accidentally sets things on fire because he was watching those Youtube Videos, while cooking rather than just before he started the process.

I always find that it is so funny that every show starts with, or contains this process . : Turn your gas on.

Duh. How am i supposed to shallow fry an onion if I don’t turn the heat on ?

Anyway, I did manage to cook something and the reviews I had are 100% positive. Admittedly, those that ate it, consisted of the wife and me, but end of the day, the statistics say that the reviews are 100% positive, and that is all that matters. It is not my fault that the reviewers are limited. I Blame it all on COVID-19.

Stay safe.

Fat Kids

One in Seven Children does not have enough food to lead a healthy and active life

I keep hearing this advertisement, every time I open You Tube. And this was followed by a plea for me to donate money to help this kids.

Well, I am pretty sure these unhealthy and obese kids, who keep visiting fast food joints which leads to them being this “One in Seven children”, feel very special. After-all they are the one in Seven now.

And, why would I sponsor this unhealthy lifestyle ? I am sure their parents are sponsoring it off their own accord.

Whats that now ? The add was about hungry people , poor people ?

Ah, well, thats a shame.

Perhaps those obese kids can lend some hand in here. It might solve two problems at once. The fat kids will be a bit more health and the hungry kids will have more to eat.

But again, on second thought, if those fat kids give the junk food to those hungry kids, it is not really making any positive impact on their health. On the contrary, we now have more people eating junk food.

.

.

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Thus, this theory of mine is an absolute junk.

Scrap that. I am donating some healthy food to that one kid and to that hungry kid. Even if it means, the parents start chasing me and give me looks of incredulity.

The Art of Speech

It is such a wonder, that among all the creatures in the world, man developed a complex way of communication which goes beyond gestures and grunts.

The sounds that come out of our mouths are framed into words and words have an assigned meaning. This type of communication is unique to humans.

Words, however, can also cause havoc if used incorrectly.

The other day, my wife and I were watching a RomCom. The characters appealed to my wife a lot and she just thought of the days we spent before marriage. How we missed a few things before marriage and how those actions could have made the entire event, more romantic.

She had a very nice suggestion though.

She wanted to say, that we get married again.

Instead, the words that came out were, “ We should go for a second marriage”.

My heart skipped a beat, before i realised what she actually meant.

We had a very nice laugh when i explained what those words she uttered, actually meant.

Language could be very tricky albeit funny, if used improperly.

Annoying Neighbours

It was 2:30 in the morning.

The doorbell rang.

I opened the door, a bit annoyed. ‘Why the hell would people disturb anyone at this hour’, I thought.

It was my next door neighbour. He just wanted to borrow some salt.

I gave him a small portion of it, he said “Good night, have a good sleep now, it is late” and went away.

I thought, ‘ It is lucky I was awake, practising rock music on my electric guitar. Else the bugger would have remained salt-less till morning’

How can people be so inconsiderate.

Annoying neighbour

  • Photo picked directly from google and I claim no ownership of it.

A twist in tail

I was adopted when I was very young. A baby, actually. The family who adopted me, came into the orphanage one day, grabbed me from my cage and took me home. I still remember the feel of that blanket. I was wrapped into this soft blanket, probably by my biological parents. Smooth,silky and musty, it would soon become the only link with them. The blanket quickly became my favourite piece of cloth. It was always besides my cosy bed. That was the day I met my parents.

Father, was very fond of me when I was young. We used to play all the time. He was a cricket fan, so our favourite activity was to play  catch with the ball. I still remember the smell of the grass from the garden we used to play every evening. I purposefully rolled around in the grass. I loved it. Father knew that and so did not mid when I got mud all over my body.

After playing, we used to return home, have a small, quick wash(which I hated) and then I would sit on his lap, while he worked away on his desk till dinner was ready. I always loved the rhythmic typing he did when he sat on the desk. Although I never understood why he disappeared for hours on end in the morning, I was certain that he would appear late in the evening.

I used to love the boy who gave us our paper. Father loved when I fetched the newspaper for him in the early moring. I even used to bring his footwear when I thought he was about to go out of our house.

Mother, would always cook healthy and delicious food for us. They always cooked seperately for me, made me feel special. She would bath me in the morning, took me for my walks around the city, often to my favourite places. I especially loved the light poles and the small but thick poles (never knew what they were supposed to be for). For some reason they fascinated me. I even met others like me on our walks in the morning. Some of the people used to bend down to pat my head, some even gave a peck on my forehead.

I was having the best time of my life.

But all of this changed, suddenly after a few rainy seasons, as I got older.

Mom would no longer take interest in taking me for walks. She became fat. Even Father lost interest in me. No more games in the playground. The food was now straight out of a plastic bag and it smelled weird. Even my bed started to smell bad as it was not washed.Things were not looking good.I couldn’t even sit on my father’s lap.

Suddenly mom was taken away in a car. She seemed in terrible pain. Father went after her in the car. But they refused to take me in the car. They shouted at me. But I did not care. My mother was in trouble. I ran behind the car, but soon lost sight of it.

I returned home, eventually, worried about my mother. Father came home late that night, fed me, ate and then went out again.He looked very unhappy. It was a long night.I saw him again a bit late in the day, the next day. Now, he seemed happy and content, yet mother was nowhere to be seen. He fed me took me for a short walk and then vanished again. I was alone for the entire day.

This situation remained true for a few sunrises, when one day I finally saw mother !

Oh the joy!

I was ecstatic. I tied to leap on her lap, but father shouted at me. That’s when I noticed “her”. Like me, she was wrapped in a small blanket. Looked like I had a sister.

A few more days went by. My sister was still the center of attraction, but I loved her. I kept guard over her, being the older brother. I did not allow anyone other than mother and father to touch her. If anyone else tried, I would growl at them to warn them to stay away. No one hurts my sister!

But, now that I think back, I think mother and father did not like that. They used to growl at me to stop doing that.

Then one day, father took me out for a walk in the car. It was the happiest day in a long while.  I was finally being taken out after a long long time. probably for the first time since my sister came home.

I always loved the wind on my ears and tongue when I took my head out during these long drives. We stopped at a new place today. It looked like a corn field. I loved open spaces. Father  let me out of the car and told me to run.

So I ran. I ran to my heart’s content. It felt nice. I felt free. It had been so long since I ran so much. Eventually the excitement died down and then I realized, father was gone !

Where did he go ? Did he leave me here ? Nah. I am sure he will come back. Afterall, I am his good boy. I always wagged my tail in agreement whenever he called me a good boy.

I waited, but he never came back…

I think,they did not want me around, now that they had a baby girl to take care of. There was no place in their life for heir dog now.

Right side… Left side… Wrong side…

I never really understood the concept of a left hand drive and a right hand drive vehicle.
I especially don’t understand why some countries prefer to drive on the right side of the road, while the rest drive on the left side of the road. I am sure I understand why some people try to drive on the wrong side of the road, but then they might get the benefit of doubt of not knowing which side the vehicles are supposed to be driven in that particular country.

Why can’t we have a standard for such things. A global standard which says we can drive on the left/right side of the road ?

There are a lot of trucks which ply between UK and the European countries. Now these trucks drive till Dover, take a ferry to their destination country and then start driving on the other side of the road. The steering wheel is on the right side of the truck and yet these trucks themselves go from the right side. Extremely difficult to drive.

Trust me. I tried.

Within the first 10 mins, I managed to bang into two cars, a signpost, and a signal. I also managed to get a ticket for driving on the wrong side of the road.

It would have gotten much worse, I am sure, but at that precise moment, my laptop crashed.

Maybe, even it was not able to comprehend this notion.

Why not ask ?

I was watching a program on the television recently. It was a comedy show.

The performer, stood on the stage, smiling and waving at the audience.

The very first line he said , ” I don’t know why I am here today.”.

I never understood this. If you don’t know why you are there, why not ask the organizers  when they come to invite you to do a skit ? It is not like you were surprised to be called on the stage.

Or perhaps, they suddenly have an epiphany or because self-aware of yourself, right in that divine place, of the stage facing thousands of pairs of eyes looking at you (or perhaps at your soul).

A Dollar’s worth.

There was once a father, Who had three sons.

On his deathbed, the father gave his sons $100 and asked them to buy something which will fill up the entire room.

The first son bought some wool, but he was only able to fill a part of the room.The second, bought hay, but he still fell short of the objective. Finally, the third son spent 1$ and bought a candle. he lit the candle and the room was filled with light.

We all know this story. But what we don’t know is the next part.

The father was impressed by his son’s innovative thinking. Now the first brother stood-up and said, “this is all good. But what happened to the 99$ that were left ? ” But by then, the father was dead.

The third son grew up and became a  politician.

#corruption-at-its-best.

Viruses, Viruses everywhere

It is that time of the year when your throat starts to pain a bit, your activities and movement speed slow down, the nose becomes itchy and you start feeling as if you are Shiva, the Hindu God which brought a river into the world to take care of a drought, from his head. Although in this case, you will be bringing a river into this world via your nose.

Go to a doctor, and he will say; ” It is a viral infection. You will be alright in a few days.”

I think the doctors will term anything as “viral” if they don’t yet know what caused the infection.

Now I am an IT guy. What I don’t understand is, why people don’t believe us when we say that the reason their computer slowed down is because of a virus. Isn’t it basically the same thing happening to a computer ?

Keys… to flying

Have you ever wondered if the pilots on the airplane need to insert keys to start a plane ?

I have often thought about it. I always imagine that the pilot will always have to insert the key into the ignition and twist it to the right side to start the plane’s engines.

That makes me wonder, what would happen if the pilot forgot his keys at home ? Is that why we get the “technical issues” when we board the flight ?

The pilot might be saying , ” Oh crap. I left the keys in my other pants. Well, can’t really tell the passengers this, can we . Let’s just say we have a technical issue and in the meantime, send a steward to the tower to pickup the spare keys.”

Women and their Purses

Have you noticed how expensive the purses are getting ?

I saw a price tag of $ 13,000 for a woman’s purse.

I so pity the husband, who has to buy this purse for his wife. Maybe he got a heart surgery free with the purse. Buy one, get the other free.

He might think, ” You know, judging by the mails that I keep getting, I could have bought a Russian bride for half the price. And she would not eventually leave me for the divorce lawyer.”

Speaking of Russian bride market, don’t you think that PETA should be happy that human skin is cheaper than animal skin ?

Life is sacred…a satire

She was sitting at the hospital, looking at her stomach, gently moving her hand over it.

While doing so, she kept going back to her trip to Africa. She cursed the day she entered that place.

She never thought, that her one decision would cause her this much pain. But she knew she had no choice.

She had to get rid of the life inside of her. She did not want it.

“The doctor will see you now”, said the nurse.

She went in the doctor’s cabin. Dread was upon her like a large and heavy blanket on a kid’s chest. This decision weighing heavily on her.

The doctor  had a file in front of him. Eyes peering into a bunch of papers. His eyes kept looking at the papers while his mouth said,”We can kill it without the surgery. I will subscribe some medicines for you. We should be rid of it in no time. It is still in its primary stage”.

This was excellent news for her. Joy spread across her face.

She would finally get rid of the growth in her stomach. The parasite living inside of her.

The Tapeworm.

Tick tick…

A formerly depressed friend of mine once said to me,

“you known, back in the day when i was feeling depressed, I always thought of giving up on life. But then, one day I got a good suggestion from someone. She told me to listen to the ticking of the clock. The ticking used to calm me down.”

I always wondered what would have happened to him if the battery had ran out…

Anyway, I am not sure this method applies to everyone. For instance, ticking of a clock is not healthy for someone who is in a profession like “Bomb disposal”.

 

Attention seekers

Look at the teens today.

 

They will do anything to attract attention to themselves. Makeup, dress up in weird clothing( mostly like ladies of negotiable virtue [for girls]or pants that reach only up to the thighs and are held up by sheer magic [for boys]), changes to the natural body, etc

I blame it on the celebrities, whose names I will not mention now.

Why go to all the trouble to gain attention. If you want attention in a public place,

Just fart.

The louder and smellier, the better.

At least you will eat something, rather than starve to look skinny.

Drivers…

I hate driving.

The entire process of “wind blowing through my hair” and “feeling the freedom of open roads” doesn’t really appeal to me. I can just hire a driver and a car to do just those things without the extra effort of driving in dense, bumper to bumper traffic. The whole notion of keep-shifting-gears-from first-to-second-and-back-to-first in a span of 30 seconds and repeat this procedure hours at a time, is too taxing on my legs, arms and buttocks. Then there is also the constant checking the mirrors to check if it is safe to backup or change the lane, or the constant fear of you hitting a dog.
Mind you, there is a chance to have great calf muscles built because of this exercise, but those are just for the left leg ( clutch for right hand drive) .

But be that as it may, it never bothers me, when I see a guy, trying to park his car parallel to the footpath and taking 10 tries to do it,I always think of how I would have do it.

For some reason, my brain doesn’t comprehend, that I hate driving.

Writer’s block and cockroaches

I have been suffering from a writer’s block for some time now. Which means, I don’t have any topics to write an article.

I had heard that most writers get a writer’s block and get inspired by seemly random events. This type of inspired writing wins them awards.

So when I entered my bathroom and saw three identical but small cockroaches, the first thing that popes in my mind was,

” I should start killing these cockroaches before they become a menace”

And… then some thoughts about how the three brothers ran from a giant monster who chased them, all the while narrowly escaping the projectiles that were thrown at them.

But then, it would have been a kids’ short story and definitely wouldn’t fetch me any awards.

 

P.S

In case you are wondering, I did not manage to kill any of them. Now going out to by some “Hit cockroach spray”.

 

Bad telephone line

That time ,

When you place a call for some official work,

and the other person does not have an answer to your questions,

But instead of actually saying the customary “I will get back to you on this”,

this person tries to sound as if the telephone line is breaking up…

 

But you can clearly hear the guy sitting next to this person, talking loudly and more importantly, clearly on his phone…

Hilarious situation.

Treating kids

I visited my bank today.

As per my habit, I was observing the people around me while waiting for my turn.

I saw a mother, with her kid, approximately 5 to 7 years of age.

The kid was standing quietly by the side of her mother, staring at people around her.

I like such well behaved kids.

After a few minutes, the mother fed the kid a cashew with a hand.

For some reason, the whole picture looked very similar to that of a dog and his trainer.

Recipe for a music video

Take a random song.

Ensure the song has a beat.

Search for a remote ,uninhabited place.  A beach would be an added advantage.

Get a young girl. ( optional : the girl should be above 18 years of age to avoid being prosecuted as a pedophile )

Tell the girl to wear skimpy, provocative cloths.

Position the camera on the beach and ask the girl to walk accross as slowly as possible.

Possition a hugh fan so that the long hair blow away from the face.

Finish everything off with a boy running towards the girl.

 

THE END